These are just short pieces that don't fall into any specific category. In these writings I pour my heart out onto the page and I find that these are always my best works.
(no title just yet)
He says he cares for you, even claims that he loves you. As this is all said... You feel special. But in the back of your mind you know you're not the only one; there is someone else. You try not to remind yourself of this but sometimes it takes over and it comes to the surface to torture and make an attempt to kill you. It has a nasty habit of paying visits at the worst of times and draining every ounce of hope and love that you have stored within you, which is a considerably low supply to begin with. It becomes even harder when one of your friends gives you a scenario and expects you to answer it truthfully but find the task difficult because you honestly don't know the outcome. The scenario is:
"The boy you love is put in the same room with you and his girlfriend. It's only you three. He has to make a choice to either spend time with you who he's never seen, touched, or heard but said he wanted to, or his girlfriend who he can see any time he pleases and is only a phone call away. Who would he choose?"
It breaks your heart that you're uncertain what he would do. You know exactly what you would want and would hope for him to do, bu you're not quite sure if things would work out in your favor.
A couple of nights ago this same boy says to you that he would be worried if someone were to steal you away from him. You ask him if this is true and he confirms it. For a split second you feel special and even loved. It's a pleasant feeling that is rare so you try to cherish the moment. You almost succeed at doing so but then you think of his girlfriend... Again. The special and loved feelings quickly disperse and you're left sitting there, cold, and trying to hold back screams that will soon be released in the form of tears that night as you're in bed making a vain attempt to sleep. How could he possibly say this? Doesn't he know that the paranoia is mutual? You're scared of him being stolen away from you as much as he feels about you being stolen away from him, if not more! But sadly, it's too late. He's already been taken from you by a girl who he's already thinking about marrying and having children with. You don't say this though. You hold it in and keep it bottled up inside. You're not sure when you'll be able to release your sadness and pain, in ever. It's not like you can be honest and share how you really feel with him. You're much too scared. Even when you say "I love you," you want to run and hide in fear because you're uncertain if you want to experience the outcome of what he says in return.
Except he doesn't know this does he? He has no idea in the world just how frightened you are of him. He knows only that you love him. You wonder how he could be so ignorant and heartless. But then you think: he knows just what you tell him and can be certain you need him only when you ask. You only have yourself to be angry with; no one to blame but yourself. Honesty is a lesson you have learned that you wish you could forget. The truth that his so-called "ignorance" is your fault is enough to make you want to run outside and drown yourself in the chilly river that can be seen from your bedroom window. Just as you're about to close the locked door behind you, a thought intrudes uninvited into your mind. Didn't he once say that nothing is your fault? That you shouldn't hate yourself? You recall him asking, "Who's cute? Who's awesome?" then answering, "You are!"
You're left outside your house, front door cracked open slightly, your hand gripping the brass doorknob tightly, silent and thinking. You can hear the water work it's way down the river; the same river your cold, dead, lifeless body would be resting at the bottom of right now, if it just wasn't for that one question that laid so heavily in your mind: "Who does he truly love the most?"
You enter the house carefully closing the door behind you with a soft click. "How could you ever be so cruel as to force him to chose?" you ask yourself as you make your way up the stairs. You crawl into your lonely, empty bed to go to sleep only to wake up the next morning, challenged to experience more of the same: pain, sadness, confusion, loneliness, and heartbreak.
